Mission Earth 07: Voyage of Vengeance
Mission Earth 07: Voyage of Vengeance
By L. Ron Hubbard
Scanned by Wicman99
Voltarian Censor's Disclaimer
The reader should know that there is no reason to go any further in the text than this page.
The Crown has been most lenient in allowing the publication of this fallacious sensationalism. In fact, the appearance of this work in print has clearly proven beyond the shadow of a doubt the Crown's confidence that the reading public will spurn this balderdash and turn instead to solid fact.
In allowing the release of this deluded fantasy, the Crown also hopes that the failure of this book will prove to the writer and any who might be interested that there is no market for such capricious phantasms and that one should seek more realistic pursuits.
There are 110 planets in our great Confederacy and more yet to conquer. There is no limit to the number of meaningful topics upon which one could expound, and every single one of them would be more worthwhile and accurate than this utter, lying nonsense about the existence of this so-called planet "Earth."
There is no "Earth," or "Blito-P3," as it is supposed to be designated on our astrographic charts. There is simply no such place.
Therefore, the reader need go no further.
There is absolutely nothing here of substance. The entire book consists of nothing but fiction about a race of so-called Earthlings.
Fortunately, there are no "Earthlings," as they would be the only ones naive enough to read this.
Therefore, you need not turn the page.
Lord Invay
Royal Historian
Chairman, Board of Censors
Royal Palace
Voltar Confederacy
By Order of
His Imperial Majesty
Wully the Wise
Voltarian Translator's Preface
You turned the page!
Thank goodness!!
I got worried there for a moment, from the way Lord Invay was carrying on.
Let me introduce myself: I am your dutiful translator, 54 Charlee Nine, the Robotbrain in the Translatophone, at your service.
I'm the one who shifted all of this from Voltarian into your language. How would you feel if you busted your bytes on a book only to find that your work is about to be wasted by a guy who says "Don't turn the page"?
I don't hold anything against Lord Invay. He can get a little pedantic, but who wouldn't with a job like censoring? My circuits would start to smoke if I had to pretend that something that is, wasn't.
In any case, you made it. Congratulations.
Hi there!
Let me get down to prefacing this thing before you change your mind.
What you've got here is the confession of one Soltan Gris, who dictated this manuscript into a vocodictoscriber while in the Royal Prison in Government City. He is relating the story of a trip he made to the planet Earth. He was sent there to sabotage the mission of Royal Officer Jettero Heller, who had been sent to halt the pollution of the planet so the place could be safely invaded later.
The problem is that I can't find this planet on any charts, and we do keep good astro-records. Between the scouting parties and the probes over the last 125,000 years, we've gotten it pretty well mapped for a few billion light-years out, and there's nothing in the data banks on this place Earth.
According to Gris, I'm a little over twenty-two light-years from your planet (even though you don't exist), which makes us neighbors, actually.
Meanwhile, you've probably been told you're alone in the universe. That's sort of sad. Here we've got this great big playground and you've been told there's no one else around to play with.
Well, it's not true.
That idea comes from those "scientists" you've got on Earth who have the vision of a dung beetle.
They say they're trying to figure out the origin of the universe, which is supposed to impress everyone at a cocktail party. ("What do you do?" "I'm figuring out the origin of the universe." "Gee.")
They do this by listening with their billions and billions of little dishes and looking with their billions and billions of little telescopes. Then they write out billions and billions of little equations in billions and billions of little papers so they can get their big government grants of billions and billions of dollars and start all over again.
They say if they can just figure out where the universe came from they can understand where Life came from-meaning YOU. In other words, just because they're lost, they assume everyone else is too. Hmmm.
I don't mean to sound too user-friendly, but let me offer something users can use.
The question "Where did I come from?" seems very natural. It seems to be like asking where rain comes from. That's fine for rain but not for you, because you didn't come from anywhere. That's a wrong road. Anywhere and anything comes from you.
Chew on that for a while.
Meanwhile, if you want to see where that other road ends, follow Soltan Gris.
As usual, I've dutifully called up a Key to this volume and it follows immediately.
Thanks for turning that page!
Nice meeting you too!
Sincerely,
54 Charlee Nine
Robotbrain in the Translatophone
Key to VOYAGE OF VENGEANCE
Activator-receiver-See Bugging Gear.
Afyon-City in Turkey where the Apparatus has a secret mountain base.
Ahmed-Taxi driver for Soltan Gris in Afyon.
Ambo-See Dingaling, Chase and Ambo.
Antimanco-A race exiled long ago from the planet Manco for ritual murders.
Apparatus, Coordinated Information-The secret police of Voltar, headed by Lombar Hisst and manned by criminals.
Assassin Pilots-Space pilots whose job it is to kill any Apparatus personnel who try to flee a battle.
Atalanta-Home province of Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak on the planet Manco.
Babe Corleone-The six-foot-six widowed leader of the Corleone mob who "adopted" Jettero Heller into her Mafia "family."
Balmor-Butler to Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak in their New York condominium.
Bang-Bang Rimbombo-An ex-marine demolitions expert and member of Babe Corleone's mob. He also attends Jettero Heller's college Army ROTC classes at Empire University.
Barben, I. G.-Pharmaceutical company controlled by Delbert John Rockecenter.
Bildirjin, Nurse-Teenage Turkish girl who helps Prahd Bittlestiffender.
Bittlestiffender, Prahd-Voltarian cellologist that Sol tan Gris brought to Earth to operate a hospital in Afyon. Prahd was the one who implanted Jettero Heller, the Countess Krak and Crobe. (See Bugging Gear and Cellology.)
Bitts-Captain of the yacht Golden Sunset.
Blito-P3-Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as Earth. It is the third planet (P3) of a yellow-dwarf star known as Blito.
Blixo-Apparatus freighter, piloted by Captain Bolz, that makes regular runs between Earth and Voltar. The voyage takes about six weeks each way.
Blueflash-A bright blue flash of light used to produce unconsciousness. It is usually used by Voltarian ships before landing in an area that is possibly populated.
Bolz-Captain of the freighter Blixo.
Bugging Gear-Soltan Gris had Jettero Heller, the Countess Krak and Crobe implanted with audio and optical bugs that transmit everything they see or hear to an activator-receiver that Gris carries. With this, he can eavesdrop on them without their knowledge. When they are more than two hundred miles from Gris, the 831 Relayer is used to boost the signal to a range of ten thousand miles.
Bury-Delbert John Rockecenter's most powerful attorney.
Calico, Mister-Cat discovered by Jettero Heller and trained by the Countess Krak.
Candy Licorice-Lesbian "wife" to Miss Pinch.
Caucalsia, Prince-According to legend, he fled Atalanta, Manco to set up a colony on Earth.
Cellology-Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.
Code Break-Violation of the Space Code that prohibits disclosing that one is an alien. Penalty is death to the offender(s) and any native(s) so alerted. The purpose is to maintain the security of the Invasion Timetable.
Control Star-Given to Soltan Gris by Lombar Hisst, an electronic device disguised as a star-shaped medallion that can paralyze any of the Apparatus crew of Antimanco pirates that brought Gris and Jettero Heller to Earth.
Coordinated Information Apparatus-See Apparatus.
Crobe, Dr.-Apparatus cellologist who delights in making freaks. He was brought to Earth by Soltan Gris to further disrupt Jettero Heller's mission.
Dingaling, Chase and Ambo-A legal firm that specializes in suing people merely to get a percentage of the settlement. Soltan Gris (using the name Smith) hired them to pursue Jettero Heller (known as Wister). This is being done with suits from Maizie Spread, Toots Switch and Dolores Pubiano de Copula.
Drunks-A Fleet nickname for members of the Apparatus. The nickname is based upon the symbol of the Apparatus which is an inverted paddle, but looks like a bottle.
Empire University-Where Jettero Heller is taking classes in New York City.
Epstein, Izzy-Financial expert and anarchist hired by Jettero Heller to set up and run several corporations.
Eyes and Ears of Voltar-An electronics store on Voltar where Soltan Gris stole boxes of sophisticated equipment that he brought to Earth. When the Countess Krak arrived, she took large quantities for her use.
Faht Bey-Turkish name of the Voltarian commander of the secret Apparatus base in Afyon, Turkey.
F.F.B.O.-Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze, the largest advertising firm in the world. J. Walter Madison works for them.
Fleet-The elite space fighting arm of Voltar to which Jettero Heller belongs and which the Apparatus despises.
Golden Sunset-A luxurious yacht purchased by the Countess Krak with a credit card Soltan Gris had inadvertently given her.
Gracious Palms-An elegant whorehouse in which Jettero Heller stayed when he was first in New York City. It is owned by Babe Corleone and is patronized by delegates to the United Nations.
Grafferty, "Bulldog"-A crooked New York City police inspector.
Grand Council-The governing body of Voltar which ordered a mission to keep Earth from destroying itself so it could be conquered on schedule per the Invasion Timetable.
Gris, Soltan-Apparatus officer placed in charge of the Blito-P3 (Earth) section and an enemy of Jettero Heller. He was sent to Earth by Lombar Hisst to sabotage Heller's mission.
Haggarty, H. Hider-Name on a Central Intelligence
Agency passport that Jettero Heller obtained and sometimes uses.
Heller, Hightee-The most beautiful and popular entertainer in the Voltar Confederacy. She is also Jettero Heller's sister.
Heller, Jettero-Combat engineer and Royal officer of the Fleet, sent by order of the Grand Council on Mission Earth in order to save Earth from its own imminent self-destruction by pollution and nuclear holocaust. He is operating under the name of Jerome Terrance Wister. He was given the nickname "Whiz Kid" by J. Walter Madison.
Hisst, Lombar-Head of the Apparatus on Voltar. His plan to overthrow the Confederacy required sending Soltan Gris to sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.
Hot Jolt-A popular Voltarian drink.
Hypnohelmet-Device placed over the head and used to induce a hypnotic state.
Inkswitch-Phony name used by Soltan Gris when pretending to be a U.S. Federal official.
Invasion Timetable-A schedule of galactic conquest. The plans and budget of every section of Voltar's government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar's ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.
Joy, Miss-See the Countess Krak.
Karagoz-Turkish peasant, head of Soltan Gris's house in Afyon, Turkey.
Knife Section-A Section of the Apparatus named after its favorite weapon.
Krak, Countess-The sweetheart of Jettero Heller. On Earth, she is known by the name Heavenly Joy Krackle or Miss Joy.
Line-jumper-Small spacecraft used by the Voltarian Army to lift and quickly move up to one hundred tons across battle lines.
Madison, J. Walter-Fired from F.F.B.O. when his style of public relations caused the president of Patagonia to commit suicide, he was rehired by Bury to immortalize Jettero Heller in the media. Madison is also known as "J. Warbler Madman."
Magic Mail-Apparatus trick where a letter is mailed but won't be delivered as long as a designated card is regularly sent; used for blackmail, extortion or coercion.
Manco-Home planet of Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak.
Manco Devil-Mythological spirit native to Manco.
Maysabongo-Jettero Heller was made a representative of this small African nation. Izzy Epstein made some of Heller's businesses Maysabongo corporations.
Moam, Lissus-Original name of the Countess Krak.
Mudur Zengin-Financial czar of the biggest banking chain in Turkey and handler of Soltan Gris's funds.
Musef-A Turkish wrestling champ who, with his friend Torgut, was supposed to beat up Jettero Heller when he first arrived in Afyon but was instead defeated.
Narcotici, Faustino "The Noose"-Head of a Mafia Family that is the underworld outlet for drugs.
Octopus Oil-A Delbert John Rockecenter company that controls the world's petroleum.
Pinch, Miss-Lesbian sadist and a Delbert John Rockecenter employee who lives with Candy Licorice.
Psychiatric Birth Control-Delbert John Rockecenter-funded plan to reduce the world's population by promoting homosexuality.
Pubiano de Copula, Dolores-She filed suit against Jettero Heller (known as Jerome Terrance Wister and the Whiz Kid) seeking a divorce. She claims Wister married her in Mexico. She is represented by Dingaling, Chase and Ambo.
Raht-An Apparatus agent on Earth who was assigned by Lombar Hisst to help Soltan Gris sabotage Jettero Heller's mission; his partner Terb was murdered.
Rockecenter, Delbert John-Native of Earth who controls all the planet's fuel, finances, governments and drugs.
Simmons, Miss-An antinuclear fanatic who teaches at Empire University.
Smith, John-An alias that Soltan Gris uses.
Spiteos-On Voltar, the secret fortress prison used by the Apparatus.
Spread, Maizie-She filed a paternity suit against Jettero Heller (known as Jerome Terrance Wister and the Whiz Kid) claiming that she is pregnant and Wister deserted her. She is represented by Dingaling, Chase and Ambo.
Stabb, Captain-Leader of the Antimanco crew at the Afyon base.
Sultan Bey-The Turkish name Soltan Gris assumes in Afyon, Turkey.
Swindle and Crouch-Law firm representing Delbert John Rockecenter.
Switch, Toots-She sued Jettero Heller (known as Jerome Terrance Wister and the Whiz Kid) for adultery with Maizie Spread. She is being represented by Dingaling, Chase and Ambo.
Tayl, Widow-Nymphomaniac on Voltar.
Teenie-See Whopper, Teenie.
Terb-Murdered partner of Raht.
Torgut-A Turkish wrestling champ. (See Musef.)
Twiddle, Senator-U.S. congressional supporter of Delbert John Rockecenter.
Twoey-Nickname given to Delbert John Rockecenter II.
Utanc-A belly dancer that Soltan Gris bought to be his concubine slave.
Viewer-See Bugging Gear.
Voltar-Home planet and seat of the 110-planet Confederacy that was established over 125,000 years ago. Voltar is ruled by the Emperor through the Grand Council, in accordance with the Invasion Timetable.
Whopper, Teenie-Teen-ager who kept seducing Soltan Gris.
Wister, Jerome Terrance-Name that Jettero Heller is using on Earth. He is also known as the Whiz Kid.
831 Relayer-See Bugging Gear.
PART FIFTY-TWO
To My Lord Turn, Justiciary of the Royal Courts and Prison, Government City, Planet Voltar, Voltar Confederacy
Your Lordship, Sir!
I, Soltan Gris, Grade XI General Services Officer, former Secondary Executive of the Coordinated Information Apparatus, Voltar Confederacy (All Hail His Royal Majesty Cling the Lofty and the Lords of His Empire), am with all humility providing the seventh part of my confession.
It is at this point that I must detail the most heinous of all the crimes I committed while on MISSION EARTH.
Officially, I don't suppose there is a penalty for arranging the murder of a nonperson, such as the Countess Krak, or for witnessing the deaths of the scores of Earthlings who died that fatal day of my revenge. And while I have not looked in the Royal Codes for the penalty for arranging the murder of a Royal officer, such as Jettero Heller, I'm sure it must be severe.
What is important is that I tell you how it all came about so you can see that your decision to keep me in your fine prison is most warranted.
I was tricked into my polygamous marriage to Adora
Pinch and her "wife" Candy. That alone was enough to drive anyone to acts of violence. She even got me to marry her under one of my aliases-the one I used in Turkey, Sultan Bey. But then she had me perform with other lesbians to convert them from their psychiatrically endorsed sexual preference.
What I didn't understand was why this horror was happening to me. It was supposed to happen to Heller, not me!
J. Walter Madison, infamous public-relations man, had pulled every trick in the PR book to get front-page stories about how "Whiz Kid" Wister (Heller) had polygamously married Maizie Spread, Toots Switch and Dolores Pubiano de Copula. Madison had used a phony double of Heller/Wister everywhere to get news and had even arranged press photographs depicting Maizie and her swollen belly as the final proof of Heller's immoral sexual behavior.