Mission Earth Volume 6: Death Quest Read online

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  The Mission Earth Dekalogy*

  Volume 1: The Invaders Plan

  Volume 2: Black Genesis

  Volume 3: The Enemy Within

  Volume 4: An Alien Affair

  Volume 5: Fortune of Fear

  Volume 6: Death Quest

  Volume 7: Voyage of Vengeance

  Volume 8: Disaster

  Volume 9: Villainy Victorious

  Volume 10: The Doomed Planet

  Ole Doc Methuselah

  Slaves of Sleep & The Masters of Sleep

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  Typewriter in the Sky

  The Ultimate Adventure

  * Dekalogy—a group of ten volumes

  Galaxy Press

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  MISSION EARTH: DEATH QUEST

  Copyright © 1986, 1989, 2011 by L. Ron Hubbard. All Rights Reserved.

  Any unauthorized copying, translation, duplication, importation or distribution, in whole or in part, by any means, including electronic copying, storage or transmission, is a violation of applicable laws.

  Mission Earth is a trademark owned by L. Ron Hubbard Library and

  is used with permission. Battlefield Earth is a trademark owned

  by Author Services, Inc. and is used with permission.

  Original cover painting by Gerry Grace.

  ISBN 978-1-59212-592-0

  This is a work of science fiction, written as satire. The essence of satire is to examine, comment and give opinion of society and culture, none of which is to be construed as a statement of pure fact. No actual incidents are portrayed and none of the incidents are to be construed as real. Some of the actions of this novel take place on the planet Earth, but the characters as presented in this novel have been invented. Any accidental use of the names of living people in a novel is virtually inevitable, and any such inadvertency in this book is unintentional.

  See Author's Introduction, Mission Earth: Volume One, The Invaders Plan.

  To YOU,

  the millions of science fiction fans

  and general public

  who welcomed me back to the world of fiction

  so warmly,

  and to the critics and media

  who so pleasantly

  applauded the novel Battlefield Earth.

  It's great working for you!

  Contents

  Map: New Jersey Coastline and Absecon Channel

  Map: Turkey

  Voltarian Censor's Disclaimer

  Voltarian Translator's Preface

  Key to Death Quest

  Part 43

  Part 44

  Part 45

  Part 46

  Part 47

  Part 48

  Part 49

  Part 50

  Part 51

  About the Author

  Voltarian Censor’s

  Disclaimer

  During my tenure as the Chairman of the Royal Board of Censors, I have been exposed to the wide range of tastes that span the one hundred and ten planets of our great Confederacy.

  Yet nothing compares to this bizarre, fallacious account which deals with a completely fabricated planet called “Earth.”

  The Crown does not object to an author creating an imaginary world and populating it with equally imaginary characters. Nor does the Crown object to behavior and situations that strain the imagination, not to mention one’s basic sense of morality. There is, however, a limit, a boundary, for even the fevered imagination. This work has crossed that line.

  The Crown strenuously objects to the unauthorized use of actual persons such as Royal Officer Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak to imply that “Earth” exists and that Heller might have been sent there on the orders of the Grand Council. However, “Earth” does not exist, and that takes care of that.

  Additionally, the author’s irresponsible description of a process that would otherwise be known as “judicial” also pressed the Crown’s patience to the limit. There is no such “legal system” anywhere within the known worlds. What is described in this work bears no resemblance to anything rational and could not possibly exist. The reader must keep that in mind. The law is the mortar between the building blocks of society. A “legal system” permitting people to “sue” merely to seek a large “settlement” as described in this work would become so clogged with “suits” that it would take a person years to seek justice. And what kind of “justice” would such a system allow? So away with that fantasy!

  The debased attitude toward sex on this nonexistent planet called “Earth” has already drawn the ire of the Crown. Nothing more will be said.

  If this work teaches anything, it teaches what happens when one writes about a nonexistent world such as this “Earth.”

  There is NO Planet “Earth.”

  That is the only rational attitude to take.

  Lord Invay

  Royal Historian

  Chairman, Board of Censors

  Royal Palace, Voltar Confederacy

  By Order of

  His Imperial Majesty

  Wully the Wise

  Voltarian Translator’s

  Preface

  Hello again!

  This is your translator, 54 Charlee Nine, the robotbrain in the translatophone.

  Lord Invay’s remark about the American legal system reminds me of the problem that I had in translating this work. First, I can’t fathom how a coat and matching pants or skirt could be a legal “suit.”

  Further, these “suits” are found in what Southerners say is a “coathouse” but spell as “courthouse.” I compromised and spelled it “cohthouse.” I was tempted to spell it “cathouse” for what really goes on, but while it may be a more accurate description, it sadly misses the pronunciation.

  Speaking of accents, I also had to deal with Dr. Crobe, who is a crazy Voltarian cellologist pretending to be a psychiatrist (which automatically qualifies him as a double nutcase) who has an accent that sounds like an Austrian being strangled. But since nobody really understands what a psychiatrist is talking about anyway, it really doesn’t matter what he sounds like.

  Meanwhile, all of this is really the confession of Apparatus officer Soltan Gris, as dictated by him in a jail cell. I won’t even begin to estimate how many logic circuits fused or warped when I tried to get my wits around the lifestyle of this nonexistent planet called Earth.

  Frankly, if Fleet Officer Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak did go to Earth to arrest the pollution so a Voltarian invasion force could later safely conquer the planet, I don’t see how they kept their sanity while they were there.

  Soltan Gris is another matter. He acts more and more like he’s from Earth, rather than Voltar. Maybe that’s because he spent so much time there studying psychology tricks from Sigmund Freud and Bugs Bunny. Or it could be that he is simply so criminal that he was more at home on what appears to be a prison planet. After all, Gris’ whole task was to stop Heller and keep Heller from learning that the head of the Apparatus, Lombar Hisst, was obtaining Earth drugs to overthrow the Voltarian Confederacy.

  Don’t ask me to make any more sense of it. But I will include a Key to this volume. That’s more help than I got from Soltan Gris.

  Sincerely,

  54 Charlee Nine

  Robotbrain in the translatophone

 
Key to

  DEATH QUEST

  831 Relayer: See Bugging gear.

  Activator-receiver: See Bugging gear.

  Afyon: City in Turkey where the Apparatus has a secret mountain base.

  Agnes, Miss: Personal aide to Delbert John Rockecenter.

  Apparatus, Coordinated Information: The secret police of Voltar, headed by Lombar Hisst and manned by criminals.

  Atalanta: Home province of Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak on the Planet Manco.

  Bang-Bang Rimbombo: An ex-Marine demolitions expert and member of the Corleone mob. He also attends Jettero Heller’s college Army ROTC classes in place of Heller at Empire University.

  Biggs, Stonewall: Virginia county clerk who issued Jettero Heller a birth certificate in the name of Delbert John Rockecenter, Junior. Heller saved Biggs’ life when the courthouse was bombed.

  Bittlestiffender, Prahd: Voltarian cellologist who implanted Jettero Heller, the Countess Krak and Dr. Crobe. (See Bugging gear and Cellology.)

  Blito-P3: Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as “Earth.” It is the third planet (P3) of a yellow-dwarf star known as Blito. It is on the Invasion Timetable as a future way-stop on Voltar’s route toward the center of this galaxy.

  Blueflash: A bright blue flash of light which produces unconsciousness. It is usually used by Voltarian ships before landing in an area that is possibly populated.

  Bugging gear: Electronic eavesdropping devices that Soltan Gris had implanted in Jettero Heller, the Countess Krak and Dr. Crobe. Gris uses a video unit to monitor everything they see or hear. The signals are picked up by the Activator-receiver that Gris carries. When they are more than two hundred miles from Gris, the 831 Relayer is turned on and boosts the signal to a range of ten thousand miles.

  Bury: Delbert John Rockecenter’s most powerful attorney.

  Candy Licorice: Lesbian “wife” to Miss Pinch.

  Cellology: Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.

  Code break: Violation of a section of the Space Code prohibiting the alerting of others that one is an alien. If this occurs, those alerted are destroyed and the violator is put to death. The purpose is to maintain the security of the Invasion Timetable.

  Confederacy: See Voltar.

  Coordinated Information Apparatus: See Apparatus.

  Crobe, Dr.: Apparatus cellologist who delights in making freaks. He was brought to Earth by Soltan Gris to further disrupt Jettero Heller’s mission.

  Empire University: Where Jettero Heller is taking classes in New York City.

  Epstein, Izzy: Financial expert and anarchist hired by Jettero Heller to set up and run several corporations to handle Heller’s finances.

  Eyes and Ears of Voltar: An electronics store on Voltar where Soltan Gris stole boxes of sophisticated equipment that he brought to Earth. The Countess Krak ransacked Gris’ supply, taking a wide variety of items for her trip to the United States.

  FFBO: Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze, the largest advertising/public relations firm in the world.

  Fleet: The elite space fighting arm of Voltar to which Jettero Heller belongs and which the Apparatus despises.

  Grafferty, “Bulldog”: A crooked New York City police inspector.

  Grand Council: The governing body of Voltar which ordered a mission to keep Earth from destroying itself so it could be conquered on schedule per the Invasion Timetable.

  Gris, Soltan: Apparatus officer placed in charge of the Blito-P3 (Earth) Section and an enemy of Jettero Heller. He was sent to Earth by Lombar Hisst to sabotage Heller’s mission.

  Heller, Jettero: Combat engineer and Royal officer of the Fleet, sent by order of the Grand Council on Mission Earth in order to save Earth from its own imminent self-destruction by pollution and nuclear holocaust. He is operating on Earth under the name of Jerome Terrance Wister.

  Hisst, Lombar: Head of the Apparatus. His plan to overthrow the Confederacy required sending Soltan Gris to sabotage Jettero Heller’s mission.

  Hypnohelmet: Device placed over the head and used to induce a hypnotic state.

  Inkswitch: Phony name used by Soltan Gris when in the US, pretending to be a Federal official.

  Invasion Timetable: A schedule of galactic conquest. The plans and budget of every section of Voltar’s government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar’s ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.

  Krak, Countess: The sweetheart of Jettero Heller. On Earth she is known by the name Heavenly Joy Krackle or “Miss Joy.”

  Lee, Harvey “Smasher”: A dishonest used-car dealer in Virginia who sold Jettero Heller a Cadillac shortly after Heller arrived in the United States.

  Madison, J. Walter: FFBO PR man hired by Bury to “immortalize” Jettero Heller, who doesn’t know about Madison’s campaign; also known as “J. Warbler Madman.”

  Mamie Boomp: A former nightclub singer and now president and general manager of the Lucky Bonanza Casino Corporation in Atlantic City, owned by Jettero Heller.

  Manco: Home planet of Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak.

  Manco devil: Mythological spirit native to Manco.

  Massacurovitch, Mortie: The crash-bang New York City taxi driver who taught Jettero Heller how to drive a cab in New York.

  Meeley: Soltan Gris’ landlady back on Voltar.

  Mudur Zengin: Financial czar of the biggest banking chain in Turkey and handler of Soltan Gris’ funds.

  Multinational: Name of umbrella corporation that Izzy Epstein set up to manage Jettero Heller’s companies. It is located in the Empire State Building.

  Mutazione, Mike: Owner of the Jiffy-Spiffy Garage. He customized both the Cadillac and the vintage cab for Jettero Heller.

  Narcotici, Faustino “The Noose”: Head of a Mafia family that is the underworld outlet for drugs.

  Octopus Oil: A Delbert John Rockecenter company that controls the world’s petroleum.

  Pinch, Miss: Lesbian sadist and Delbert John Rockecenter employee who lives with Candy Licorice and has $80,000 of Soltan Gris’ money.

  Pokantickle: Estate of Delbert John Rockecenter, located in Hairytown, New York.

  Psychiatric Birth Control: A plan, funded by Delbert John Rockecenter, to reduce the world’s population by promoting homosexuality.

  Raht: An Apparatus agent on Earth who was assigned by Lombar Hisst to help Soltan Gris sabotage Jettero Heller’s mission. His partner Terb was murdered.

  Razza Louseini: Consigliere to mob chief Faustino “The Noose” Narcotici.

  Rockecenter, Delbert John: Native of Earth who controls the planet’s fuel, finances, governments and drugs.

  Rockecenter, Junior, Delbert John: The false Earth name that Lombar Hisst arranged for Jettero Heller to use so that he would attract attention and be killed.

  Simmons, Miss: An antinuclear fanatic who teaches at Empire University. She was dedicated to flunking Jettero Heller out of school until “handled” by the Countess Krak.

  Smith, John: An alias that Soltan Gris uses as a Delbert John Rockecenter employee.

  Spiteos: Where the Countess Krak and Jettero Heller had been imprisoned on Voltar. It has been the secret mountain fortress prison of the Apparatus for over a thousand years.

  Spurk: The owner of the Eyes and Ears of Voltar, an electronics store. Soltan Gris killed him to steal the Bugging gear used on Jettero Heller, the Countess Krak and Dr. Crobe, as well as boxes of other sophisticated equipment.

  Sultan Bey: The Turkish name used by Soltan Gris.

  Swindle and Crouch: Law firm that represents Delbert John Rockecenter’s interests.

  Torpedo Fiaccola: A sniper-killer once hired by Bury to kill Jettero Heller.

  Utanc: A belly dancer that Soltan Gris bought to be his concubine and slave.

  Viewer: See Bugging gear.

  Voltar: The seat of the one-hundred-and-ten-planet Confederacy that w
as established 125,000 years ago. Voltar is ruled by the Emperor through the Grand Council, in accordance with the Invasion Timetable.

  Whiz Kid: Nickname given to Jettero Heller by J. Walter Madison. Unknown to Heller, Madison has a “double” playing the part of Jerome Terrance Wister in order to get publicity without Heller’s consent. The “double” has buckteeth and a protruding jaw, wears glasses and looks nothing like Heller. His name is Gerry Wister.