The Doomed Planet Read online

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  The Mission Earth Dekalogy*

  Volume 1: The Invaders Plan

  Volume 2: Black Genesis

  Volume 3: The Enemy Within

  Volume 4: An Alien Affair

  Volume 5: Fortune of Fear

  Volume 6: Death Quest

  Volume 7: Voyage of Vengeance

  Volume 8: Disaster

  Volume 9: Villainy Victorious

  Volume 10: The Doomed Planet

  Ole Doc Methuselah

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  The Ultimate Adventure

  * Dekalogy—a group of ten volumes

  Galaxy Press

  7051 Hollywood Boulevard

  Los Angeles, CA 90028

  MISSION EARTH: THE DOOMED PLANET

  Copyright © 1987, 1990, 2011 by L. Ron Hubbard. All Rights Reserved.

  Any unauthorized copying, translation, duplication, importation or distribution, in whole or in part, by any means, including electronic copying, storage or transmission, is a violation of applicable laws.

  Mission Earth is a trademark owned by L. Ron Hubbard Library and

  is used with permission. Battlefield Earth is a trademark owned

  by Author Services, Inc. and is used with permission.

  Original cover painting by Gerry Grace.

  ISBN 978-1-59212-587-6

  This is a work of science fiction, written as satire. The essence of satire is to examine, comment and give opinion of society and culture, none of which is to be construed as a statement of pure fact. No actual incidents are portrayed and none of the incidents are to be construed as real. Some of the actions of this novel take place on the planet Earth, but the characters as presented in this novel have been invented. Any accidental use of the names of living people in a novel is virtually inevitable, and any such inadvertency in this book is unintentional.

  See Author's Introduction, Mission Earth: Volume One, The Invaders Plan.

  To YOU,

  the millions of science fiction fans

  and general public

  who welcomed me back to the world of fiction

  so warmly,

  and to the critics and media

  who so pleasantly

  applauded the novel Battlefield Earth.

  It's great working for you!

  Contents

  Map: Voltar Government Cities

  Voltarian Censor's Disclaimer

  Voltarian Translator's Preface

  Key to The Doomed Planet

  Part 82

  Part 83

  Part 84

  Part 85

  Part 86

  Part 87

  Part 88

  Part 89

  Part 90

  Part 91

  Part 92

  About the Author

  Voltarian Censor’s

  Disclaimer

  Now that the Crown has magnanimously tolerated the last volume of this overwrought, extravagant, hyperbolic work, let it never be said that We were not tolerant.

  The Crown has made its position clear.

  This is a COMPLETE work of fiction.

  Lord Invay

  Royal Historian

  Chairman, Board of Censors

  Royal Palace, Voltar Confederacy

  By Order of

  His Imperial Majesty

  Wully the Wise

  Voltarian Translator’s

  Preface

  I’ve been a Robotbrain in the Translatophone for nearly six hundred years. In that time, I have translated more books, papers, letters, speeches, songs, decisions, journals, etc., than even I could count.

  But NOTHING compares to this job which I have FINALLY completed.

  It wasn’t the translation that was difficult. Oh, sure, it’s a challenge to move it into a language of a planet that doesn’t exist. What boggled my circuits was EARTH!

  I’ve dealt with pirates, politicians, musicians, Lords, commoners, thieves and even emperors. I’ve seen civilizations rise and fall. I’ve dealt with the most advanced and then some that are just slightly above the intelligence of a sponge.

  They’ve come in every possible shape, size and composition.

  So when I say that I’ve NEVER come across anything like EARTH, I know what I’m talking about.

  If there is any doubt, read on!

  When you find out why others say you don’t exist, then it is up to you.

  I leave you with a Key to this final book.

  Good luck. It’s up to you now.

  Sincerely,

  54 Charlee Nine

  Robotbrain in the translatophone

  Key to

  THE DOOMED PLANET

  Absorbo-coat: Coating that absorbs light waves, making the object virtually invisible or undetectable. It is usually applied to spacecraft.

  Afyon: City in Turkey where the Apparatus had a secret mountain base.

  Agnes, Miss: Personal aide to Rockecenter.

  Apparatus, Coordinated Information: The secret police of Voltar, headed by Lombar Hisst and manned by criminals. Their symbol is an inverted paddle which, because it looks like a bottle, earned its members the name “drunks.”

  Atalanta: Home province of Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak on the planet Manco.

  Babe Corleone: The six-foot-six widowed leader of the Corleone mob who “adopted” Jettero Heller into her Mafia “family.”

  Bang-Bang: An ex-Marine demolitions expert and member of the Babe Corleone mob.

  Bawtch: Gris’ chief clerk on Voltar.

  Bis: Intelligence officer of the Fleet, friend of Jettero Heller.

  Bittlestiffender, Prahd: Voltarian cellologist that Soltan Gris took to Earth to operate a hospital in Afyon.

  Blito-P3: Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as Earth. It is the third planet (P3) of a yellow dwarf star known as Blito.

  Bluebottles: Nickname given to the Domestic Police of Voltar.

  Blueflash: A bright blue flash of light used to produce unconsciousness. It is usually used by Voltarian ships before landing in an area that is possibly populated.

  Bury: Rockecenter’s most powerful attorney. His favorite pastime is feeding white mice to snakes.

  Calabar: A planet in the Voltar Confederacy on which Prince Mortiiy is leading a revolt.

  Caucalsia, Prince: According to a folk legend, he fled Manco during the Great Rebellion and set up a colony on Blito-P3 that became known as Atlantis.

  Cellology: Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.

  Code Break: Violation of the Space Code that prohibits disclosing that one is an alien. Penalty is death to the offender(s) and any native(s) so alerted.

  Confederacy: See Voltar.

  Coordinated Information Apparatus: See Apparatus.

  Corleone: A Mafia family headed by Babe, a former Roxy chorus girl and widow of “Holy Joe.”

  Corsa, Lady: A large, muscular lady pledged to be married to Monte Pennwell. She is heir to over half of the provincial planet Modon.

  Crobe, Doctor: Apparatus cellologist who worked in Spiteos; he delights in making human freaks.

  Cun: Foot girl to Flick, J. Walter Madison’s driver.

  Drunks: See Apparatus.

  Epstein, Izzy: Financial expert and anarchist hired by Jettero Heller t
o set up and run several corporations.

  Exterior Division: That part of the Voltarian government that reportedly contained the Apparatus.

  Faht Bey: Turkish name of the commander of the secret Apparatus base in Afyon, Turkey.

  Fleet: The elite space fighting arm of Voltar to which Jettero Heller belongs and which the Apparatus despises.

  Flick: Apparatus driver for J. Walter Madison.

  Flip: Former circus girl, now member of J. Walter Madison’s gang.

  Flisten: One of the conquered planets in the Voltar Confederacy, its humanoid inhabitants are long-nailed and yellow-skinned. When it was conquered, its queen was exiled by treaty as a hostage to Voltar.

  Gracious Palms: The elegant whorehouse where Jettero Heller resided. It is across from the United Nations and is operated by the Corleone family.

  Grand Council: The governing body of Voltar which ordered a mission to keep Earth from destroying itself so it could be conquered on schedule per the Invasion Timetable.

  Gris, Soltan: Apparatus officer placed in charge of Blito-P3 (Earth) section, and an enemy of Jettero Heller.

  Heller, Hightee: The most beautiful and popular entertainer in the Voltar Confederacy. She is also Jettero Heller’s sister.

  Heller, Jettero: Combat engineer and Royal officer of the Fleet, sent with Soltan Gris on Mission Earth, where he operated under the name of Jerome Terrance Wister.

  Hisst, Lombar: Head of the Apparatus; his plan to overthrow the Confederacy required sending Soltan Gris to sabotage Jettero Heller’s mission.

  “Holy Joe” Corleone: Head of the Corleone family until murdered; he did not believe in pushing drugs, hence the name.

  Hot Jolt: A popular Voltarian drink.

  Hoodward, Bob: A famous investigative reporter for the Earth newspaper, the Washington Roast, who brought down a president and other mob figures.

  Hound: Servant to Monte Pennwell.

  Invasion Timetable: A schedule of galactic conquest; the plans and budget of every section of Voltar’s government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar’s ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.

  Joy, Miss: See Countess Krak.

  Krak, Countess: Condemned murderess, former prisoner of Spiteos, a nonperson and the sweetheart of Jettero Heller. On Earth, she is known as Heavenly Joy Krackle or “Miss Joy.”

  Lepertige: Large catlike animal as tall as a man.

  Lissus Moam: Daughter of Count Krak of the planet Manco. Forced by an Assistant Lord of Education on Manco into teaching children to steal and captured by the Apparatus for her training skills, she became known as the Countess Krak.

  Madison, J. Walter: Fired from a public relations firm when his style of “PR” caused the president of Patagonia to commit suicide, he was rehired by Bury to immortalize Jettero Heller in the media. He is also known as J. Warbler Madman.

  Manco: Home planet of Jettero Heller and Countess Krak.

  Manco devil: Mythological spirit native to Manco.

  Meeley: Former landlady of Soltan Gris.

  Mister Calico: A calico cat that was trained by the Countess Krak.

  Mortiiy, Prince: Leader of a rebel group on the planet Calabar and the son of Emperor Cling the Lofty.

  Peace, Miss: Secretary to Delbert John Rockecenter.

  Pennwell, Monte: Unpublished author who found the Gris confession.

  Retribution: Prince Mortiiy’s command ship.

  Rockecenter, Delbert John: Native of Earth who controlled the planet’s fuel, finance, governments and drugs.

  Roke, Tars: Astrographer to the Emperor of Voltar, Cling the Lofty, and close friend to Jettero Heller. It was Roke’s report that sent Heller on Mission Earth.

  Section 451: A section in the Apparatus on Voltar, in charge of Blito-P3, headed by Soltan Gris.

  Shafter: Driver for Monte Pennwell.

  Simmons, Miss: An antinuclear fanatic.

  Ske: Former driver for Soltan Gris.

  Snelz: Platoon commander at Spiteos who befriended Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak when they were prisoners there.

  Spiteos: On Voltar, the secret fortress prison of the Apparatus.

  Spread, Maizie: Alleged by J. Walter Madison in Earth newspapers and television to have been impregnated by Jettero Heller, known as the “Whiz Kid.”

  Stuffy, Noble Arthrite: Publisher of The Daily Speaker, a major newssheet on Voltar.

  Switch, Toots: Alleged by J. Walter Madison in Earth newspapers and television to have been bigamously married to Jettero Heller, known as the “Whiz Kid.”

  Tayl, Widow Pratia: Nymphomaniac on Voltar.

  Tug One: A spaceship named the Prince Caucalsia, equipped with the feared Will-be Was time-drives, and used by Jettero Heller to travel the 22 ½ light-years to Earth from Voltar.

  Tup: An alcoholic beverage on Voltar.

  Turn, Lord: Justiciary of the Royal prison whom Soltan Gris surrendered to.

  Twa: Female “bed-maker” to Flick.

  Twoey: Nickname given to Delbert John Rockecenter II.

  Utanc: A belly dancer that Gris bought to be his concubine and slave.

  Vantagio: Manager of the Gracious Palms whorehouse.

  Voltar: Home planet and seat of the one-hundred-and-ten-planet Confederacy that was established over 125,000 years ago. Voltar is ruled by the Emperor through the Grand Council in accordance with the Invasion Timetable.

  Whip, General: The most popular general in the Voltarian Army. J. Walter Madison faked Whip’s death to bring discipline and make headline news.

  Whiz Kid: Nickname given to Jettero Heller by J. Walter Madison.

  Whopper, Teenie: A highly promiscuous Earth teenager, appointed Hostage Queen of Flisten. She is also known as Queen Teenie.

  Will-be Was: The feared time-drive that allowed Jettero Heller to cover the 22 ½ light-year distance between Earth and Voltar in a little over three days.

  Wister, Jerome Terrance: Name that Jettero Heller is using on Earth.

  PART EIGHTY-TWO

  TO: BIOGRAPHICS PUBLISHING COMPANY

  COMMERCIAL CITY

  PLANET VOLTAR

  GENTLEMEN!

  My manuscript is complete!

  It will not require much editing but I look forward to getting it back from you.

  What I endured and learned in the process may well be another book, but that can be negotiated later.

  Much of what I am writing about was covered by newssheets and Homeview, but what I found is the TRUE and COMPLETE story. To get it, I used the best investigative-reporter techniques. I pried and lied my way into the confidence of key people to find the biggest coverup in the 125,000-year history of our Confederacy.

  I apologize for the time that it took me to complete these final parts but I know that you will agree it was worth it.

  Let me remind you what happened so you can appreciate the rest of my book.

  Lombar Hisst had addicted every Lord of the Grand Council to drugs. The Emperor, Cling the Lofty, was close to death when Heller kidnapped him. Lombar Hisst had installed himself as Dictator and millions of people were rioting in the streets. Teenie Whopper was creating catamites out of the sons of all the Lords.

  On top of it all was that icon of public relations, J. Walter Madison, who was molding Lombar’s “image.”

  When Lombar could not get the Army to go after Heller, Madison found the most popular general and had him brought to Lombar’s office. When General Whip refused to hunt Heller and walked out, Madison got Lombar to sign an order that said:

  GENERAL WHIP HAS REFUSED ORDERS TO FIND JETTERO HELLER. BRING ME THE HEAD OF GENERAL WHIP.

  As a “show of force,” Madison’s crew then staged the drama of General Whip’s head being delivered on a platter as women screamed and fainted. The entire show was shot for Homeview.

  Madison then got Lombar to sign another order: