Mission Earth 07: Voyage of Vengeance Read online

  A knock on the door and Bang-Bang came in. He was carrying a huge mound of newspapers.

  "I don't like to give you these, Miss Joy. Because if I do, you're going to get mad."

  She took the top one. Headlines!

  WHIZ KID FACING

  CRIMINAL CHARGES

  NEW SUITS PLAGUE

  NOTORIOUS OUTLAW

  In a bombshell development in Superior Court yesterday, Judge Hammer Twist set into motion the international actions which may bring Wister, the Whiz Kid, to sterilization and life imprisonment.

  The deadly charge of the rape of a minor hovered above the head of the beleaguered outlaw.

  New suits levied by Maizie Spread, Toots Switch and Dolores Pubiano de Copula are certain to bring ruin and devastation to the hunted criminal....

  The Countess Krak grabbed another paper. Then she grabbed a third. Then a fourth!

  "BLAST!" she said. "There's no slightest mention of the cancellation of the other suits or dismissal of the false charges of bigamy! Are they on the radio or TV?"

  Bang-Bang shook his head.

  "I don't understand it!" wailed the Countess. "The readers are left to think those charges still exist!"

  "Well, that's the way the media is," said Bang-Bang. "Their whole business is bad news. That's all they print. Any good news isn't news as far as they are concerned. Just look at the other stories on those pages there. All bad news, death and disaster. They got the insane idea that only bad news sells papers."

  "But they don't even say those hussies had committed perjury and were sent to jail!" said the Countess Krak.

  "Maybe that would be good news," said Bang-Bang. "You got to face it, Miss Joy. The media is as crazy as a coot."

  "I don't believe that's the whole explanation," said the Countess Krak. "It looks like managed news to me."

  "No, it doesn't have to be. I knew some reporters once. I've had my own brushes with the press, you know: one time they attributed a car bombing to me in the headlines and then, in little type way down at the bottom, mentioned I was still in jail. So I asked one of these reporters how come. And he said that even when the reporter got the news straight, the managing editor made him write it the other way around. Sensation sells papers is what he said. It isn't news they're selling, but entertainment. That's what he told me. And two or three times since, seeing what they've printed about Jet and the trouble they've dug him into, I've come up with the idea for some real entertainment: rigging the cars of some publishers and managing editors. You wouldn't consider it, would you?" he added hopefully.

  "Well, I admit," said the Countess Krak, crumpling up a paper, "that it would be a very entertaining project. But I don't think we have time for it. I want to get all this finished and get Jettero somewhere nice and safe. He's delicate in some ways."

  "I hadn't noticed," said Bang-Bang.

  "Yes, he is. He's a gentleman and has a sense of decency."

  "I have noticed that," said Bang-Bang.

  "So somebody has to protect him from women," said the Countess Krak conclusively. "You understand, of course."

  "No," said Bang-Bang.

  "Well, he wouldn't even aim a blastgun at a woman, not even one as bad as these hussies."

  "Hey," said Bang-Bang brightly, "you mean we're going to get my M-l and have some target practice?"

  "No, no," said the Countess. "That wouldn't do any good. Even if they were lying there dead, they'd still think of something vicious."

  "That's pretty incredible," said Bang-Bang.

  "No. I know such women. Criminal types. No ladylike sensibilities. And if we shot them, which I will admit they certainly deserve, I also know Jettero. He would feel sorry for them. No, we will not indulge ourselves by gunning down these sluts. You already had the best idea. What progress have you made in locating the double?"

  "I got so worried about your reaction to the media that I didn't tell you what I should have told you when I first came in. Now I'm suppressing good news. He has surfaced."

  "Aha."

  "Yep. This reporter I know told me that the girls were holding a big press conference this morning, all about how this Whiz Kid is underprivileging women. That will hit the afternoon and tomorrow morning editions. And then the double will appear on ABC's 'Weirdo World' at 3:30 tomorrow afternoon, housewife prime time."

  "Bang-Bang! That's wonderful news!"

  "Yeah, I gotta stop reading newspapers. I'm getting like them! So anyway, he's taken advantage of this lull Judge Twist gave him to pop up, and he's going to tell the housewives how wonderful he is, I guess, or how come he's underprivileging them or something. But he'll be there. Live."

  "Just what we need! And it gives us time to prepare. Not much, but enough. Quick, quick, Bang-Bang, there are some things I need. Go bring the van around right away. Oh, this is going to be great!"

  Bang-Bang rushed out and she was getting into a light coat.

  I didn't wait.

  I called Eagle Eye Security.

  "We've got her!" I said. "She'll be in the vicinity of the 'Weirdo World' talk show, ABC, tomorrow afternoon at 3:30, to kidnap the Whiz Kid."

  "Hey, hey!" said the cigar-husky voice. "My men will be right on the job. Specials, too. Now that we know exactly what she looks like, she can't even disguise herself! Fifty big ones in the bag. Easiest money anyone ever made. You'll get your cut."

  I could almost forego my cut. Whatever happened to me, I would have gotten rid of the Countess Krak!

  Then I could take care of Heller.

  And I might even think of something to save myself!

  The world looked much brighter!

  Chapter 5

  It is marvelous what heights of bravery extreme duress can lift one to: I decided I would be present at that talk show to guarantee the capture of the deadly Countess Krak.

  The idea came to me that very evening as I puffed my second bhong to still my nerves and get ready for the two new girls.

  Teenie unexpectedly had dropped by on her way home from school, bringing a strawberry and sausage pizza, the latest thing, for Adora and Candy.

  They sat there, the three of them, eating it, and Teenie had been telling them how the Hong Kong whore detested homos, wouldn't have them on her staff and couldn't abide the sight of them-a complete reversal of the tale she had told me a day or two before. But the mention of homos had made my hands freeze and I had dropped my slice.

  "Look at that (bleep)," Adora had said. "He's shaking like a dog (bleeping) bricks."

  "Oh, I can fix that," Teenie had assured her, and had promptly gotten out the bhong, stuffed it and coached how long one held each puff. For some reason, I had not gone into panic but had begun to sink in a soft, gray haze. Then she loaded it up again and made sure I held each puff in, very deep and long.

  I stopped shaking. I began to feel strangely brave.

  They went back to eating pizza and Teenie began to regale them with a lecture they had given her at school on how to avoid "getting caught." She said, "It's awful funny, but they say a woman can get caught so easy you wouldn't believe it."

  For some reason, everything else faded into babble and that phrase stuck with me.

  The talk show!

  If I disguised myself as an old woman, took Krak's viewer and worked behind the protection of Eagle Eye Security, two things would be accomplished: one, the Countess Krak could not slip out of their grasp; and two, thanks to the breaker switch I carried, THE HYPNOHELMET WOULD NOT WORK IF I WERE WITHIN TWO MILES OF IT! If she tried to get it on the Whiz Kid in that talk show, her efforts would be totally foiled.

  With the Countess Krak disposed of in Bellevue, I could somehow finish off Heller and then somehow handle Teenie. Aha! I could win this yet!

  The two girls came, two brunettes. They were pretty eager. I was so enthralled with my brilliant prospects of success, I did not even mind Teenie standing there and giving pointers, though I will admit it was a relief when she couldn't wait for the end of the second one,
saying she had to get back for night classes on Overt and Covert Seduction. She gave me a slap on the bare behind and with a "Keep trying, Inky," popped her bubble gum and went racing away, swinging her textbooks in a circle with their strap.

  With her gone, matters soon came to a satisfactory end. Adora gave her usual sales talk, got pledges to give up Psychiatric Birth Control and the girls left beaming.

  "Isn't that Teenie the sweetest thing?" said Adora. "What a difference it is making, getting a decent education under her belt."

  "Indeed so," said Candy. "So thoughtful and considerate of others."

  The walls seemed to be going away and then coming near and time was stopped. I was making my erratic way to the back room when

  ZOOM!

  My feet flew up, I did a half-turn in the air and came down

  CRASH!

  Stars flew through a black firmament.

  I remember thinking that I hadn't known before that marijuana could cause such a sudden distortion of space. I had thought that that was reserved for its more condensed form, hashish.

  I couldn't see at all!

  Obviously, I had gone totally blind!

  I lay there pondering the unknown pitfalls of drugs. Marijuana, reputed to be so mild, evidently could cause one to soar into the air, experience auditory concussion, bring about space views and then total blindness, just like that!

  From some vast distance came the voice of Adora. "You clumsy (bleepard)! You're getting blood all over the rug! Sit up, (bleep) you! Candy, get some fabric cleaner at once and see if you can get this cleaned up before it permanently stains the white carpet!"

  She was mopping at my face with a dishrag. My vision returned for a moment in one eye.

  And there before me, on its side, was TEENIE'S SKATEBOARD!

  My emotions were mixed. Relief that I hadn't gone blind from marijuana, but only from blood, vied with quivering hatred for Teenie. Her consideration for others which Candy had so highly praised consisted of thoughtfully placing her skateboard exactly in the middle of the dark doorway to my room!

  With a constant, running lecture on how I should watch where I was going and should take care of rugs and should quit trying to find ways to disable myself and escape my husbandly duties, Adora took me to a. hospital emergency room and got my forehead sewed up. Fortunately, the marijuana was still in effect and I didn't mind the needle.

  In fact, that night I went to sleep quite peacefully. In spite of everything else, I knew I had an excellent chance of winning after all.

  On the morrow I would surely catch the insidious Countess Krak!

  Chapter 6

  Strangely eager for my appointment with Fate, I dressed early the following afternoon and made my way to the ABC TV show hall.

  There had been no trouble getting admission to the show, "Weirdo World." I had been on the phone to the head of Eagle Eye Security and he had told me they had reserved a seat for me in the audience. He was very eager to have my help. "The place will be jammed with our security people," he had said, "but she has slipped through our fingers before and it will help to have positive identification on hand. The process server will be there. She won't get away this time!"

  Disguise had not been much of a problem: my face was swathed in bandages, so much so that I could only see through a slit.

  Light was painful to my eyes and I had not wasted any time watching Krak's viewer. She would make her appearance at that show, that was certain. To Hells with the details: not even she could escape such a net.

  When I arrived, I quickly located the Eagle Eye Security officer. He was a huge man, dressed in khaki, girded about with armament. He was standing in the foyer, giving each of a dozen security men individual instructions and sending them to their posts.

  I plucked at his sleeve. Annoyedly, he pushed at me. "Beat it, you old bat," he said. "Can't you see I'm busy?"

  I laughed delightedly. I was disguised as an old woman with a floppy hat and had smeared bootblacking on the bandages to give me a black face. He thought I was some Negress! "It's you that's the bat," I said, "for I have heard they are quite blind. I'm Smith, you idiot, the man Dingaling, et cetera, take their orders from."

  "Well, Jesus Christ," said the security officer.

  "No, Smith," I corrected him. "Care to fill me in on your arrangements?"

  "Oh, yes, sir! The ABC people always cooperate with the powers that be. We've got the whole TV theater boxed in. The 'Weirdo World' M.C., Tom Snide, is quite excited at the idea there may be some action on his show. And they've got extra cameras at every angle. Even mobile cameras outside. The Whiz Kid is being delivered by a Blinks Armored Truck. What's that you're carrying?"

  "A portable TV," I misinformed him. It was Krak's viewer. "I want to catch the show the way it goes out over the air as well as in the theater."

  "All right. Your seat is middle row and on the aisle. Here's a two-way walkie-talkie that connects with me, in case you spot anything we don't."

  "Good thinking," I said, taking it. "But you keep your eyes open, too. I'm not seeing very well today. I'm counting on you."

  "Oh, you can," he said, giving his huge automatic's holster a pat. "I'm practically spending my part of that bounty money already. Oh, one more thing: these ABC people cautioned us that once the red light is on, we have to be quiet and we're to stay off the stage unless the woman herself shows up. Then Snide can give us a signal and they can get the nab on the camera."

  "Fine," I said and made my way to my seat.

  The place was packed with women and one more skirt went totally unnoticed.

  I settled myself. I had a good seat from which to see things. The place was like any other theater except it had more camera and spotlight positions. It was, however, hard for me to take in everything through my bandages. Things looked kind of pink and I suspected my forehead was bleeding again. But minor things must not stand in the way of an Apparatus officer. Lombar Hisst and the fate of the Voltar Confederacy were depending on me, to say nothing of the fate of Earth!

  The show was about to start: a big clock was giving a countdown to curtain. Some music was playing to keep the audience quiet, but there was a lot of excited chatter going on all around. Housewives of every shape and hue were packing this show today to lay eyes on the Whiz Kid.

  I concentrated on Krak's viewer. It was hard to see.

  She was sitting in a little room. A slight twinge of alarm went through me. She ought to be preparing herself in some disguise or other to penetrate this show. She wasn't. She had a little TV set in front of her and she had a couple of microphones in her hands.

  Where was this room?

  In this building? Miles away? Lacking recorded strips to check back on, I could not tell how she had gotten there.

  This whole thing was very irregular. The show was about to begin.

  But then I relaxed. She could not possibly resist the bait of the Whiz Kid double. She thought he was vital to her plan to find out who was behind this barrage of legal suits on Heller.

  Bang-Bang's voice came through the viewer speaker. "I introduced him."

  Krak said to the dimness beyond the TV set, "And he knows the route?"

  "Showed it to him twice," said Bang-Bang.

  I was a little bit baffled. How could Bang-Bang have introduced anybody to anybody? The show hadn't started! I thought, she certainly better get a move on or she'll be late for this show.

  The curtains parted. Buzzers went. Red lights flashed. On the Air appeared in a big panel. A girl in a housecoat held up a huge card. It said:

  APPLAUD

  Music blared. Tom Snide himself pranced out on the stage throwing kisses. He was an older man with curly hair and a very false smile. "Good afternoon, good afternoon, housewives of America, my dearest friends who keep sweeping my popularity from coast to coast."

  The girl in the housecoat held up a card:

  LAUGH

  "Just don't sweep it under the rug," said Snide. The girl held up a card:
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  LAUGH HARDER

  "Welcome to 'Weirdo World'!" said Snide. "I'm sure all of you feel right at home."

  The girl held up a card:

  HOWL WITH LAUGHTER

  "Today we were lucky enough to get on our show a young man who has stirred the hearts and skirts of America and the world. And here he is, the weirdo you've been panting for, the notorious outlaw, WISTER, THE WHIZ KID!"

  The girl held up a card:

  SHRIEK!

  The Wister double peeked out from behind a potted palm, raced over to cover behind a desk and then hid behind a piano.

  "What are you ducking for?" said Snide.

  "I'm afraid that audience will swarm over the footlights and rape me," said the double.

  The girl held up a card:

  SAY OOOOO WITH DELIGHT

  "No, no," said Snide. "We've packed the place with security guards so they can't get at you. Come out in plain sight."

  "And no process servers?" said the double.

  The girl held up a card:

  SHRIEK WITH LAUGHTER!

  The audience shrieked, but Tom Snide had lied. The shabby man in the shabby coat was peering out from under the brim of his shabby hat, just two seats away from me. His face was all bandaged up, too! But he was waiting for the Countess Krak, commitment paper in his hand. And then I looked just beyond him. Two Bellevue attendants! They must have a wagon outside waiting.

  I glanced at my viewer. The Countess Krak was sitting there watching the show on TV!

  A camera swept the shrieking housewives. I saw it on the Countess Krak's screen. The camera, amongst the others, SHOWED ME!

  I scrunched down. Oh, Gods, she had better not notice!

  Then her screen, seen through my viewer, was again showing the stage.

  The Whiz Kid swaggered into full view. He was dressed in the black of a Western outlaw, but had red hearts for pistol holsters. His buckteeth and hornrimmed glasses did not go too well with the rig.